{"id":1960,"date":"2021-04-11T11:00:14","date_gmt":"2021-04-11T16:00:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.charlesdermer.com\/wordpress\/?page_id=1960"},"modified":"2021-09-28T16:19:46","modified_gmt":"2021-09-28T21:19:46","slug":"lol-moments-in-the-bible","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.charlesdermer.com\/wordpress\/bible\/lol-moments-in-the-bible\/","title":{"rendered":"LoL Moments and Rabbit Holes"},"content":{"rendered":"

Although I have tried to summarize honestly and faithfully all the chapters of the Bible, certain irreverent thoughts and snark could not be avoided (though I avoid blasphemy, which is too simple in our age of rage). Please excuse the following if it is not to your taste. You may note that I found nothing that made me laugh out loud (lol) in the Gospels.<\/p>\n

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    1. The first recorded birth in the Judeo-Christian tradition is when Adam, a biological man,\u00a0<\/span>gave birth to Eve, a biological woman (#Gn2), anticipating gender ideology by many thousands of years.<\/li>\n
    2. #Gn6 and the story of Noah\u2019s ark is also known as God\u2019s mulligan.<\/li>\n
    3. The Isles of the Gentiles or Children of Japheth\u00a0 <\/span>(#Gn10) are various characterizations of the goyim, who are descended from the 3rd (not 1st) son of Noah. So firstborn is not so special. After all, David was the 7th or 8th son of Jesse.<\/li>\n
    4. Lot\u2019s daughters\u2019 affection for their father goes beyond mere filial piety (#Gn9). A Lot complex between a girl and her father should be as interesting as the Oedipus complex between a boy and his mother. It\u2019s surprising that it is so rarely treated in literature.<\/li>\n
    5. Thankfully, my encounters with death and dying are few, but in my experience I have never seen anyone about to die who had a good appetite (#Gn27,#Gn28). That must have been some tasty venison that Rebekah prepared for Isaac.<\/li>\n
    6. Readers may enjoy comparing various translations of #Gn38:9, where Onan \u201cspilled his semen\u201d (NIV). KJV: \u201che spilled [his seed].\u201d CSB: \u201creleased his seed.\u201d CEB: \u201cwasted his semen.\u201d CEV: \u201cmade sure [Tamar] would not get pregnant.\u201d ICB for children: \u201che did not complete the act.\u201d<\/li>\n
    7. #Ex20, #Ex21. I\u2019m pretty much on board with nine of the Ten Commandments, but the command not to covet my neighbor\u2019s ox might be a bridge too far.<\/li>\n
    8. In #Ex26, we find that the Lord\u2019s other career was interior decorator. In #Ex29, we learn that the tabernacle of the Lord was the Israelites\u2019 version of the barbecue pit.<\/li>\n
    9. The Lord will visit the iniquity of the fathers unto the 3rd & 4th generations (#Ex34), but the descendants of eunuchs & bastards shall not enter the assembly of the Lord unto the 10th generation (#Dt23). This seems a bit unfair to people who had no choice in their parents.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
    10. It\u2019s surprising that chickens are never mentioned as an offering in #Nm. Are there no chickens in Old Testament times? By the time of Jesus, there are<\/i> chickens, as evidenced by the cock crowing after Peter denied Christ.<\/li>\n
    11. Red heifer cleansing water: warms the heart, soothes the soul, and cleans the unclean (#Nm19). On sale at your local drugstore. Buy some now!<\/li>\n
    12. Children have limited liability under Mosaic law: no life except for life (#Dt24:16). So children will not die for the sins of the father. But other penalties are maintained. Blasphemy, apparently even by children (#Lv24), is punishable by stoning.<\/li>\n
    13. #Dt15:17 If your Hebrew slave is due to be freed after 6 years, and yet refuses to go, then thou shalt take an awl, and thrust it through his (her) ear onto the door, and (s)he shall be thy (maid) servant forever.<\/li>\n
    14. That the atonement for the death of a man is made by sacrificing a heifer seems not quite equitable from the victim\u2019s (or heifer\u2019s) point of view, though the value of a heifer is no small thing (#Dt21).\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
    15. #Dt22 Not only is a non-virginal daughter returned to her father\u2019s household by the aggrieved husband, but she is then stoned to death on the threshold of her father\u2019s house. No wonder their abstinence-based sex ed for women before marriage was so successful.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
    16. In #Dt25:11-12, if two men are fighting, and the wife of one man grabs him by the privates (or \u201cflowers,\u201d as in KJV), then her hand is to be cut off. Was this a regular thing back then?<\/li>\n
    17. #Dt25 A widowed wife should marry her husband\u2019s brother. If he refuses, she shall take off a sandal & spit on him.<\/li>\n
    18. In #Dt28:68, after a series of horrible curses that will occur if Israel disobeys the Lord, the concluding curse is \u201cThere you will offer yourselves for sale to your enemies as male and female slaves, but no one will buy you.\u201d This curse shows up in Mel Gibson\u2019s movie Apocalypto<\/i>.<\/li>\n
    19. In #Jdg9, the vengeful son Abimelek hires \u201creckless scoundrels\u201d (NIV) to kill his 70 brothers (\u201cvain & light persons\u201d in KJV). Scoundrels yes, but reckless? They succeeded! Gideon has 70 sons (#Jdg8), Abimelek kills 70, leaving another and himself alive. So 72?<\/li>\n
    20. Was there ever a more stupid vow to have been made than Jepthah\u2019s in #Jdg11, namely to make a burnt offering of whatever met him at his house on his triumphal return? One can only surmise that he was hoping to be met by his wife, who he must have hated, rather than his daughter.<\/li>\n
    21. In #Jdg19, we have a \u201chorror-lol,\u201d so horrible one has to laugh. Benjaminites demand sex with a Levite, who gives them his concubine. She is left dead at the doorstep the next morning. And then the Levite cuts the concubine to pieces and sends the pieces to the tribes of Israel.<\/li>\n
    22. To complete the horror^2lol of #Jdg, the killing of the people of Benjamin due to the crimes of the men of Gibeah is atoned for by\u00a0 <\/span>abducting 400 virgins from Jabesh-Gilead to be wives of the remaining men of Benjamin (#Jdg21). This episode echoes the rape of the Sabine women.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
    23. In #1Sam18, for David to wed Michal, Saul\u2019s daughter (as David felt humbled to wed the daughter of a king), Saul asks only<\/i> that David bring him the foreskins of 100 Philistines. David brings him 200! Wish the old masters had depicted the scene counting them out.<\/li>\n
    24. Solomon\u2019s wisdom, illustrated by the argument of the two prostitutes over a baby in #1Kg3, could have gone so<\/i> wrong. Both could have agreed to cut the baby in two\u2014what a mess! Sensing Solomon\u2019s wiles, they each could have offered the baby to the other, hamstringing his judgment.<\/li>\n
    25. In #1Kg18, Elijah the prophet taunts the prophets of Baal for not making fire for the offering. \u201cYou\u2019ll have to shout louder,\u201d he scoffed, \u201cfor surely he is a god! Perhaps he is daydreaming, or is relieving himself.\u201d (NLT) To be fair, it is translated differently in NIV and KJV.<\/li>\n
    26. Elijah curses the house of Ahab in #1Kg21:21: \u201cBehold, I will bring evil upon thee, \u2026 and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall\u2026\u201d (KJV) One who \u201cpisseth against the wall\u201d is a term for men. It appears earlier in #1Kg16:11, when Zimri slays the house of Baasha.<\/li>\n
    27. Another horrolol is in #2Kg6:29. A famine is so severe that 2 women agree to eat their children. They have a meal of one of them, but the next day the 2nd woman backs out of the deal with her own child. The recipe is boiling, but surely a fried baby would be tastier.<\/li>\n
    28. #1Cr be like, \u201cOK class, let\u2019s take it from the top. Who were the sons of Adam & Eve? Who were the sons of Noah? Who were the sons of Levi? Name at least 3 children of Saul. What is the name of Noah\u2019s wife?\u201d<\/li>\n
    29. How wonderful could the workmanship on Solomon\u2019s temple have been if they used 3 for the value of pi (#1Kg7:23, #2Cr4:2)?<\/li>\n
    30. I\u2019m going to call my son \u201cXerxes.\u201d He can thank me later. (#Ez4). He might become governor of the trans-Euphrates.<\/li>\n
    31. \u201cAlso I have made a decree, that whosoever shall alter this word, let timber be pulled down from his house, and being set up, let him be hanged thereon; and let his house be made a dunghill for this.\u201d (#Ez6:11). Yours, Darius.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
    32. Nehemiah (#Neh), governor of the trans-Canaan region, was cupbearer to Artaxerxes, a mixed reward for loyalty due to the possibility of poisoning. It\u2019s not surprising that he wanted to leave. So the rebuilding of the temple was ultimately due to poor job security.<\/li>\n
    33. \u201cChamberlains\u201d is a synonym for \u201ceunuchs\u201d (#Est1:12). Drinking was according to the law do according to every man\u2019s pleasure<\/i>. (#Est1:8). Some things never change.<\/li>\n
    34. What was on the agenda when the sons of God come to present themselves before the Lord (#Job2:2)? A clever Satan answers God\u2019s question, Whence comest thou? <\/i>with the reply, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it. 1\/2<\/i><\/li>\n
    35. Satan would have made a good lawyer, and vice versa. 2\/2<\/li>\n
    36. Satan\u2019s motto is \u201cSkin for skin!\u201d (#Job2:4). Every good motto should comfortably fit on a baseball cap. Satan not only has skin in the game, he has two skins in the game.<\/li>\n
    37. Ezra\u2019s hill to die on is populated by \u201cstrange wives from foreign lands.\u201d (#Ez9,10).<\/li>\n
    38. In the Bible, \u201cskin of your teeth\u201d translates to \u201cyour gums\u201d (#Job19:20) (NIV).<\/li>\n
    39. Are these verses as funny as they sound? \u201cThough the pride of the godless person reaches to the heavens and his head touches the clouds, he will perish forever, like his own dung; those who have seen him will say, \u2018Where is he?\u2019\u201d (#Job20:6,7).<\/li>\n
    40. Notice the difference in a traditional (KJV) and a more modern (NIV) translation of #Job14:1,2, and now introducing the forthcoming Woke International Version (WIV): 1\/4<\/li>\n
    41. KJV: Man that is born of a woman is of few days and full of trouble. He cometh forth like a flower, and is cut down: he fleeth also as a shadow, and continueth not. 2\/4<\/li>\n
    42. NIV: Mortals, born of woman,\u00a0are of few days and full of trouble. They spring up like flowers and wither away; like fleeting shadows, they do not endure. 3\/4<\/li>\n
    43. WIV: Humans, born of birthing people, live short lives if they are members of the oppressed classes. They rise up like flowers with rage and suffer injustice, living marginalized lives that are snuffed out by the privileged white class. 4\/4<\/li>\n
    44. The two parts of the canonical Christian Bible are the Old and New Testaments. The latest advancement in Biblical scholarship is the addition of the \u201cPlaid Testament,\u201d where the Lord of the Olde Testament punishes fans of Elton John.<\/li>\n
    45. The 23rd Psalm is the Stairway to Heaven of Bible verses. That still doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s not good. The Lord answers, It is<\/i>.<\/li>\n
    46. It is not clear when David wrote #Psa86. But his humblebrag that \u201cI am poor and needy\u201d is contrary to his entire life. When he calls the Lord \u201cslow to anger,\u201d one wonders if has missed all the times when the Lord slaughters people, even Israelites, in a jealous rage.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
    47. #Psa132:17 (KJV) reads \u201cThere I [the Lord] will make the horn of David to bud.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>David had 4 wives, numerous concubines, 19 named sons and 1 named daughter (#1Cr3:1-9), and no doubt many more children. Assuredly this pledge came true.<\/li>\n
    48. #Psa136 gave me a horrolol whiplash. \u201cTo him alone who doeth great wonders: his love endures forever\u201d (#Psa136:4). After many such praises, this is followed by \u201cTo him that smote the firstborn of Egypt: his love endures forever,\u201d and\u20261\/2\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
    49. \u201cTo him that smote great kings: his love endures forever.\u201d (#Psa136:10,18). The Egyptians and subjects of those kings might have another opinion about the Lord\u2019s mercy and love. 2\/2<\/li>\n
    50. #Prv2, #Prv5-7 have strong admonitions against strange women and adultery, but #Prv6:24-26 provides a solution to those urges (NIV): \u201cDo not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes. For a prostitute can be had for a loaf of bread.\u201d<\/li>\n
    51. Rounding out Proverbs is guest contributor Agur, son of Jakeh, (#Prv30)! Agur delivers a sermon filled with wisdom using a rhetorical technique discussed in Commentaries. 1\/2\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
    52. King Lemuel closes Proverbs with an impressive sermon (#Prv 31) containing admonitions for life & praise to a virtuous woman (thereby scoring husband points). 2\/2<\/li>\n
    53. #Ec10:20: \u201cCurse not the king, no not in thy thought, and curse not the rich in thy bedchamber, for a bird of the air shall carry the voice, and that which hath wings shall tell the matter.\u201d Thought crime & surveillance, OT style. 1984, 3000 yrs ago. #Ec10<\/li>\n
    54. Solomon\u2019s Song, chpt. 5 (#Sol5) is already a sufficient basis for banning the entire Bible on a morals charge. \u201cMy beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.\u201d<\/li>\n
    55. In the midst of a litany of flattering and obsequious comments about his beloved\u2019s beauty comes (#Sol7:4, NIV) \u201cYour nose is like the tower of Lebanon\u00a0looking toward Damascus.\u201d I don\u2019t think this says what Solomon thinks it says.<\/li>\n
    56. The curious and salacious-sounding phrase \u201cloose the loins of kings\u201d (#Is45:1, KJV) means nothing more than \u201cstrip the kings of their armor\u201d (NIV).<\/li>\n
    57. There is not much humor in Isaiah (#Is), but the KJV translation of #Is60:16 celebrating the glory of Zion gave me a laugh: \u201cThou shalt also suck the milk of the Gentiles, and shalt suck the breast of kings.\u201d Can\u2019t be very nourishing.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
    58. The overriding sensation of #Is is akin to the emotion of choosing what to wear on the day of your execution.<\/li>\n
    59. Reading early part of #Jer, I have this image of a couple of prophets chatting in Paradise (I think they are Isaiah & Jeremiah), with Yahweh hovering in the distance. One prophet says to the other: \u201cLet\u2019s not go see Yahweh today. He\u2019s always complaining about his kids.\u201d<\/li>\n
    60. Jeremiah (#Jer) is the original trash-talker. He would have been cancelled so fast today. Whenever he goes over the line, he says \u201cIt is Yahweh who speaks,\u201d slipping through the noose yet again. 1\/2<\/li>\n
    61. Examples: \u201cthey shall die of grievous deaths\u2026they shall be as dung upon the face of the earth.\u201d (#Jer16:4). \u201c\u2026mine anger and mine fury will be poured on this place\u2026& it shall burn and not be quenched.\u201d (#Jer7:20) [ed.: Is this incitement to violence?] <\/i>2\/2<\/li>\n
    62. \u201cCan the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? then<\/i> may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil.\u201d (#Jer13:25, KJV). So the answer is yes?<\/li>\n
    63. It seems that Jeremiah had to put up with Prophets of the Good Times\u00ae (#Jer14:13,14), a 7th century BC Prosperity Prophecy\u00ae. Sadly, those prophets did not prosper (#Jer14:15,16).<\/li>\n
    64. I wish Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon was a career option. I should have had larger ambitions in college, though I\u2019m sure it comes with its own set of problems\u2014& pronouns.<\/li>\n
    65. God spends a lot of time remembering the sins of his people, but couldn\u2019t be bothered for 10 full days to reply on a matter of life and death to his own people (#Jer42). Not to worry, Judah\u2019s remant escaping Babylon didn\u2019t take the Lord\u2019s advice not to go to Egypt. So there, God.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
    66. \u201cJerusalem is a menstrous woman among them [her adversaries]\u201d (#Lm1:17, KJV). Not the image that I would think of, but marks for creativity.<\/li>\n
    67. I found my stage name when I do stand-up in the Catskills: Ben Adam, i. e., Son of man (#Ezk2).<\/li>\n
    68. Though the larger endowments of Africans is rumored, I didn\u2019t expect to find it in the Bible (#Ezk16:26): \u201cthe Egyptians, your neighbors with large genitals\u201d (NIV), \u201cbig-membered neighbors, the Egyptians\u201d (JB), \u201cthe Egyptians thy neighbors, great of flesh\u201d (KJV). This theme\u2026 1\/2<\/li>\n
    69. \u2026recurs in#Ezk23:20: \u201cThere she [Aholibah, a harlot representing Jerusalem] lusted after her [Egyptian] lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses\u201d (NIV), \u201cbig-membered as donkeys, ejactulating as violently as stallions\u201d (JB). 2\/2<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      NEW TESTAMENT LOL<\/p>\n

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        1. Jesus\u2019s pronouns are He\/Him\/His (KJV). Yet God\u2019s are he\/him\/his. No wonder God is a jealous God. And Jesus gets the red letter treatment to boot.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
        2. Tabernacle of Moloch (#Ac7) would be a great name for an abortion clinic or a casino.<\/li>\n
        3. #Gal5:12 Paul saying if circumcision is so good, go all the way and cut it off. KJV: \u201cI would even they were cut off which trouble you.\u201d NIV: \u201cAs for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves!\u201d<\/li>\n
        4. The paradoxical statement made by a Cretan who says \u201cCretans always lie\u201d shows up in #Titus1:12. \u201cOne of them (a Cretan prophet) says \u2018The Cretans are<\/i> always liars\u2026\u2019\u201d Since it appears in Scripture, it must be true. But is it true? Answer (#Titus1:13): \u201cThis witness is true.\u201d<\/li>\n
        5. #Philemon, a sort of bill of lading for a slave, translates v. 7, \u201chave refreshed the hearts of the Lord\u2019s people\u201d (NIV) as \u201cbecause the bowels of the saints are refreshed by thee\u201d (KJV).\u00a0 <\/span>V. 20, \u201cRefresh my heart in Christ\u201d (NIV), is \u201crefresh my bowels in the Lord\u201d (KJV).<\/li>\n
        6. To be honest, the apocalypse would be a lol moment.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

          RABBIT HOLES<\/p>\n

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            1. Avoiding rabbit holes: As we know from Monty Python, the only truly effective defense against a rabbit hole is the holy hand grenade.\u00a0 <\/span>I have endeavored to stay out of rabbit holes in this study, but acknowledge that reading the Bible is good preparation, in fact, a prerogative, for entering certain types of rabbit holes. A sampling: book of Japheth and canonicity of the books of the Bible; David or Elhanan vs. Goliath; fate of the 10 lost tribes; correct pronunciation of the word \u201cShiboleth.\u201d\u00a0 <\/span>(Hebrew<\/a>\u00a0 <\/span>word shibb\u00f3let<\/i> (\u05e9\u05b4\u05c1\u05d1\u05b9\u05bc\u05dc\u05b6\u05ea), meaning the part of a plant containing grain<\/a>); current location of the lost ark; physical explanations for miracles; proofs for the existence of God; definition of God; Mary, the holy mother of God; What kind of Jew are you?; \"\"collective guilt and individual guilt and agency; firstborn sacrifice; great Bible romances for teens of all ages; immaculate conception and virgin birth; communion & sacrifice at the Last Supper; age of reason and consent; the wicked & the righteous, which are you?; Jewish gene; talking to God & the lost art of prophecy; holocaust studies and holocaust denial; the Mosaic diet; best shabbat walks; genealogies; the history of Shiloh; communitarianism in the NT; Solar and stellar phenomena in the Bible; best Bible movies of all time; the Bible and the sexual binary; critical race theory and Christianity; families, tribes, races, and peoples; what does it all mean?; etc.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

              Although I have tried to summarize honestly and faithfully all the chapters of the Bible, certain irreverent thoughts and snark could not be avoided (though I avoid blasphemy, which is too simple in our age of rage). Please excuse the following if it is not to your taste. You may note that I found nothing […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":1024,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-1960","page","type-page","status-publish","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.charlesdermer.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1960","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.charlesdermer.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.charlesdermer.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.charlesdermer.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.charlesdermer.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1960"}],"version-history":[{"count":19,"href":"https:\/\/www.charlesdermer.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1960\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2592,"href":"https:\/\/www.charlesdermer.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1960\/revisions\/2592"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.charlesdermer.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/1024"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.charlesdermer.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1960"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}